Are You SEeing Your Relationship Clearly - or Through Your Expectations?
Relationships come with hopes, desires and expectations. We imagine how we would like to be loved, how a relationship might develop and perhaps even the person we hope our partner will be.
There is nothing wrong with that. Hope and possibility can be a beautiful part of connecting with another person.
But how often do we stop to consider whether we are seeing the relationship that is actually in front of us – or viewing it through the lens of what we want it to be?
I often think of this as the different pairs of glasses we wear.
We might have our desires-and-wishes glasses, coloured by everything we hope for from a relationship.
There might be our romantic glasses, perhaps with a gentle rose tint, through which we see all the possibility and potential of a connection.
And then there are our past-experience glasses. These have been shaped by what we have previously experienced, learnt and felt, and can influence how we interpret what is happening in the present.
None of these glasses is inherently wrong.
The difficulty comes when we forget that we're wearing them.
Are you seeing the person – or your hopes for them?
When we are getting to know someone, we are discovering another human being.
Their personality. Their history. What matters to them. What they enjoy. How they communicate. Their desires and needs – and the ways in which all of these may be similar to, or different from, our own.
Yet sometimes our own desires and wishes add a tint to what we're seeing.
We can begin to project our dreams and expectations onto the person in front of us. Rather than allowing the relationship to reveal itself, we can find ourselves relating to its potential – the story of what it could become.
And when we're looking at someone through that lens, we can miss an important opportunity.
The opportunity to find out who they actually are.
Different doesn't necessarily mean wrong
Our expectations can also tint our vision in the opposite direction.
Perhaps the person we're getting to know holds a different view from us. They enjoy something we don't. They communicate differently or respond to something in a way that isn't how we would have responded.
If we have a very defined picture of how a relationship – or a partner – should be, difference can quickly begin to look like a problem.
Is it?
Is it genuinely something that conflicts with one of our fundamental needs, boundaries or values?
Or is this simply another human being being different from us?
There will, of course, be times when what we see really doesn't work for us. Seeing clearly isn't about explaining away behaviour that hurts us, abandoning our boundaries or persuading ourselves to accept something that fundamentally isn't right for us.
It is about giving ourselves the opportunity to see what is actually there before we decide what it means.
And that requires communication.
Honesty with kindness
For me, honesty with kindness is key.
Relationships give us an opportunity to discover each other, but we cannot really do that if we're both working from assumptions.
Can I tell you what I want rather than expecting you to know?
Can I listen to what you want without immediately deciding that your difference means one of us is wrong?
Can we talk about the places where our needs differ?
Can we find a middle space – somewhere that allows for communication, discussion and, where appropriate, compromise?
None of that means ignoring our own needs to accommodate another person.
It means allowing both people's realities into the conversation.
Because a real relationship isn't a romantic story we've already written and then asked another person to step into.
It is something two people discover and create together.
Which glasses are you wearing?
So here is something simple to try.
The next time something happens within a relationship that isn't quite what you expected – particularly if you notice yourself beginning to make assumptions about what it means – pause for a moment.
Take a breath.
And ask yourself:
What glasses am I wearing right now?
Are they my desires-and-wishes glasses?
My romantic, rose-tinted glasses?
My past-experience glasses?
Or have I managed to put on my clear glasses?
Imagine taking the other pair off for a moment and looking again.
Then ask:
What do I actually know to be true here?
Not what I hoped would happen.
Not what happened in a previous relationship.
Not what I think the other person should want.
Not the story I've begun creating around what has happened.
What is actually happening?
You may discover that something genuinely doesn't sit well with you.
You may also discover that you simply don't yet have enough information.
And perhaps that is the point at which a conversation needs to begin.
A moment to listen, ask, communicate and give the other person the opportunity to tell you about their experience – while you tell them about yours.
A chance to respond rather than immediately react.
Our romantic glasses don't need to be thrown away. There can be something rather lovely about occasionally seeing life through a little rose tint.
Perhaps we simply need to remember when we're wearing them.
Because sometimes, if we want to discover whether two people really can create something meaningful together, we need to take off the glasses we've brought with us – and give ourselves the opportunity to see clearly what is actually standing in front of us.
Exploring this more deeply
Sometimes simply becoming aware of the lens through which we're viewing something can create a shift. At other times, we may recognise a pattern and still find ourselves returning to it.
My one-to-one healing sessions offer a supportive space to explore what may be sitting beneath those patterns, working intuitively with what you need at that particular time.
